This came to me in an email from JobsDB this morning.  Click on the image to see it full size – “Agency Branch Development (Ass Manager).”  The job ad was placed by the recruiting manager at Manulife Hong Kong.

It gets better because the requirements include:

Speaks Good Cantonese and English (Must)

6 Years of Empolyment History

and the job promises:

Latest Annual Income at no ness then HK$300,000

So clearly the “speaks good … English” part was not a required qualification for the recruiting manager.

Not sure that I need my own personal ass manager, but it reminded me of Lewis Black’s bit in which he says if he was super rich, he wouldn’t spend the money on another car or jewel, he’d hire a personal ball washer.  ”What would be better than having a woman walk in front of you rinsing and scrubbing, rinsing and scrubbing, scrub scrub rinse rinse, scrub scrub rinse rinse, because I am an important CEO and my nuts should be clean.”

Even though I’m quite content at my current job, my resume remains online at the usual places because, well, you never know, right?  Tomorrow Bill Gates could call me up saying he wants to get rid of Steve Ballmer and he found me on Monster and decided I’m the best possible replacement.  Okay, that might be a bit of a stretch and honestly I don’t have any excuse especially since I haven’t used drugs in decades and rarely drink alcohol any more, but a boy can dream, right?

At any rate, the stuff that comes to me via email as a result of these web sites is worthless in every way except for entertainment value.

Case in point: an email inquiry that arrived today.  My CV makes it pretty clear that I’ve got 24 years experience in my field.  This was for a very, very junior position requiring just one year’s experience.  Okay, I get a lot of those.  This one came from an agency in Singapore, where you’d think they might have at least some competency in English.

We are currently seeking experienced professionals in Hong kong for an project with an bnaking client.

Oddly enough, I don’t have much experience in the bnaking field.

The job description included this:

Familar with Base SAS programming and use of SAS Enterprise Guide (EG)

Trust me, SAS does not appear anywhere in my CV.  I don’t think the sequence “sas” appears anywhere in my CV – I have been to Kansas City once but didn’t think that was worth mentioning there.

And then this:

Good knowlegde in use of MS Excel and MS Access

Honestly, next time I’m out of work (which will be hopefully never again, at least until voluntary retirement) I think I’ll look for a job as a head hunter.  Apparently you don’t need any “knowlegde” to get that kind of position.

I still get job listings in my inbox even though I’ve got a new job, simply because I’m too lazy to click over to the relevant web sites and cancel the emails.  Sometimes I read the emails and sometimes I even click on the job descriptions out of curiosity.  I just loved this one today, from a company in the Philippines.

XXX, a ZZZ Company specializing in specialised recruitment and outsourcing services.

So they specialize in doing something specialised?

XXX Management Services  an executive search firm we have a combined of over 40 years experience specialized in recruitment and outsourcing process through out Philippines and other countries in Asia Pacific.

A combined what, exactly?

And now for the job itself:

Currently partnered by partnered by n international BPO company which is into graphic design  currently seeking  IT Manager an Immediate permanent assignment, at XXX MMS we are continuously looking for an applicant with skills:

Gee, for a moment there I was thinking that they might be looking for applicants without skills.  And they’re continuously looking for him or her, 24/7?  Perhaps they need to look for someone with proofreading skills?

Another ad also from the Philippines, they are looking for someone with 15 years experience to be a VP of MIS.  Here is the full description they offer of the position and the requirements for the job:

To plan, control and manage activities on systems operations, network infrastructure implementation and computer hardware and software installation, configuration, upgrades and administration.

Seriously, that’s the entire ad.  Nothing about the type of company or the business it is involved in.  Is it a bank?  A shipping company?  A factory?  A hostess bar?  No details about the required experience for the position other than “15 years” and presumably some knowledge about the activities mentioned above.  Not even where the job is located, other than saying “Southern Tagalog,” which covers a pretty broad area.

Is there any professional you know who would put their career into the hands of a recruiter who thinks this is a sufficient ad for recruiting senior level people?

There’s a web site in HK called expatspaytoomuch.com, selling barbecues and fans and the like. The name of the domain is probably very true. As proof, I offer this ad – from a local expat web site that features classified ads that unfortunately are unlinkable. But trust me, I couldn’t make this stuff up.

Bang & Olufsen phone (none working is a display only)

This phone is for display only in the store it will never be operate im selling it for 150 dollars
so if you asking why is not working what the problem
bcoz there nothing inside is a display store phone
now is depend if you are a show off
150 dollars thats it.
pick up cenrtal mtr.

I suppose if any of you feel the need to show off, let me know and I’ll pass along the details.