One thing I often grapple with, “behind the scenes,” is how much of me to reveal in the blog. Of course in years past I was a lot more open, a lot more heart on my sleeve. There are several reasons that I don’t do it any more, or at least I don’t do it as often as I used to.

This extensive article from the NY Times magazine section by Emily Gould is a painfully honest first person account from a woman who blogs in NYC (her own blog and for awhile she worked for Gawker). For awhile she got a lot from blogging but she possibly lost even more.

Anyway, I will say I’ve made some very hard choices lately and in many cases have possibly made the wrong decisions, but in making those choices I’ve also unfortunately burned some bridges as well. I’m not amazed that it’s so difficult for me to get what I want in life; I’m amazed that at such an advanced age and after having given so much thought to the topic, I still don’t have a clue as to what it is I really want.

Oddly enough, a couple of recent evenings out – the first with my writer friend from L.A. who was in town for a bit, the second just last night with a longtime friend in Shanghai – have served to tell me that those are the kinds of evenings that I want more of.

I did gain a lot of useful information from last night’s dinner. That friend has led a life of accomplishment and achievement. When I look at the list of things he’s done, I always feel like I haven’t even learned how to tie my shoes by comparison. I told him this and he said, if I can recall it correctly (he also said I should start to carry around a digital voice recorder for nights like that, wish I’d had one then), that we both possessed similar drive, energy and intellect, but we’ve focused our efforts in very different areas. I know he meant it as a compliment and yet it couldn’t help but make me feel as if I’ve wasted my life in pursuit of things that provide only momentary pleasure, distraction or relief.

Add to this the break-up with my girlfriend last month. The dinner with my ex-wife last week. Followed by an unusually bad bar experience (even for me). The feeling that I’m just marking time at my job, trading my soul for a very nice paycheck each month, giving my life to a corporate entity that couldn’t really care much either way. Yes, I know, I’m not unique. Most of the world has it far worse than I do. But these are things that tell me my life is on the wrong track right now.

And yet knowing all of that and actually doing something about it are two very different things.

It’s sort of like that board room meeting scene in Monty Python’s Meaning of Life, where one character says that studies have shown that man doesn’t pursue meaning in his life because he is too easily distracted and also that people aren’t wearing enough hats. And the next character asks, “What was that about hats?”

And it’s also true that many of today’s new hat styles don’t look good on me. I look silly in those Ed Hardy hats, as one example. I’ve thought about going the Samuel L. Jackson route with the Kangol thing and I think it looks kind of okay but worry that others will think I’m a total prat. Perhaps paired with the proper sunglasses?

Oops.

Hongkie Town
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