… but I’m not sure.

Today, December 2nd, I received a notice in the mail that the judge would review the divorce papers and make his/her pronouncement on the case. On December 1st. So presumably it went through on Friday and I’ll receive a copy of the decree sometime when the mailman gets around to delivering it.

It’s an uncontested divorce. We did all the property and financial settlement stuff a long time ago – the usual she gets the money and I get the bills deal. Which in this case was fair because I earn multiples of what she earns. Officially we were married for ten years. This month marks approximately three years since we separated.

So how do I feel? Mixed emotions. Although the last years together were terrible for both of us, the first years were wonderful beyond words. I can remember a time when my love for her was strong enough that I would have taken a bullet for her. And a time when she loved me so much she was willing to leave her country and friends and family to be with me first in Hong Kong, then the U.S. and then back in Hong Kong again. She was very smart about certain things and taught me a lot and hopefully she feels the same way about me.

At first we were simply living together and I thought that was enough. But she didn’t have an HK ID and didn’t have a job. She got tired of being asked if she was a prostitute every time she did a visa run. And she couldn’t find someone to sponsor her for an employment visa and was bored not working. Getting married would simplify a lot of things, at the time it made sense and so we did it.

We had three good years and then it was progressively downhill. She will put the blame all on me because she refuses to accept aspects of her behavior that pushed me away. And, of course, I did things that made matters even worse.

When she first moved to Hong Kong, I threw a party to introduce her to all of my friends and co-workers. After a few hours, one of them pulled me aside and asked, “you can handle all that?” I asked what he meant and he said, “your girlfriend.” I said, “sure, no problem.” At our wedding banquet, as she got ferociously drunk and led some of the guests in drinking games, one of the waiters remarked that he’d never seen a Chinese bride act that way before.

In truth, we were probably not meant to be married. We both have “big” personalities, huge egos, domineering and stubborn. Each of us was used to getting our own way 100% and often neither of us was willing to compromise.

I don’t think it was a mistake. I think the only mistake we both made was that after we separated in 1999, we got back together again in 2000. That should have been the end. Instead we reconciled but it was never the same and it quickly went from bad to worse. Three years ago we agreed to go our separate ways and she left HK.

Get this … my mother started pushing for the divorce earlier this year. Her reason was that she had forgotten we weren’t divorced and had told some relatives that we were and she didn’t want to be a liar. This is the same mother who, after we split up, asked me if there was any chance that my next wife could be white. “What difference could it possibly make,” I asked. “No difference, but is there any chance?” Well, we all have our crosses to bear, don’t we?

So there you have it.

Hongkie Town
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