Sometimes I question the wisdom of blogging very personal things (and yet sometimes I still do it). I’m not really seeking comments or feedback. So why do I do it? Fucked if I know.

I have to preface this tale with the information that you already know … that T is upset over the fact that on this entry to HK, she only received 14 days; that T is bored because she cannot work and has nothing to do but sit in the house all day watching DVDs. I know this, and it becomes a component of the way that I react.

So … come home from work tonight. Sit with T, discuss my upcoming trip to Thailand to deal with dentists. We discuss splitting the time between Bangkok and Sri Racha. Reassure her that I want to be with her the entire time I’m in Thailand. She tells me that at the end of December there will be some kind of big family get-together, 50 people or more. Then move on to discussing plans on how to get her here legally, specific and legitimate steps we can take. She asks me something she’s asked before, have I thought about what we would do if she can’t get here legally. I tell her that I haven’t thought that far ahead because I don’t expect that to happen. She says she’d probably just stay in Thailand and find some other job. I tell her I’m confident that we can make this work.

Should be all good, right? But for some reason it’s not. She gets all quiet. I tell her that I need to do stuff for about half an hour and then we can go out for some dinner. She goes out, comes back, says she wants to go out for a walk and I should call her when I’m ready to go.

She comes back 15 minutes later. I tell her I’m ready, we get changed and go out. I offer her several choices for dinner, her response is “you decide.”

In the taxi, she turns to me and says maybe she can get someone to marry her. I ask her if she’s got someone specific in mind and it turns out she does – someone who is not me. We get out of the taxi, I get some cash from the bank, and we get to a restaurant.

After we order, I ask her more questions about the guy. She says she has a feeling he would marry her. I ask when is the last time she spoke with him and she swears it’s before we start living together. I ponder this for awhile, quietly. She asks if I’m upset.

“Yes, of course I am upset! I spent all this time tonight talking about the things we can do so you can stay here, and then you tell me about this guy. It’s like you’re saying to me, ‘if you can’t work this out, then I’m going to go with someone else who can.’ It’s like you’re putting a gun to my head.”

She apologizes. We move on to eating our dinner, talking about the food. We finish, go to a bar, get a couple of drinks.

I tell her that one of the reasons I’m glad we’re living together is that it makes me work at the relationship. I remind her how I dated lots of women in the three years I was single and how I’d always break up with them at the first hint of any problem. But since we live together, when there’s a problem, I want to work it out, work our way through it, rather than just running away like I used to do.

Then she tells me that when she went out for her walk earlier, she thought about texting me and breaking up with me, her “can you find some other girl” line. I tell her what I always tell her when she asks me that. That I know I could find 20 other girls that night if I wanted to but that I know she is with me because she loves me and the 20 other girls would be with me just for the money and the opportunity to stop working in the bars. That I love her and trust her and that I would not be able to trust any of those other girls.

We head home. During the taxi ride, she asks a question about my ex. She’s interested in how my ex got her HK ID (she got a dependent visa after we got married) and if she still has it. “I suppose she still does, we’re still married.” “You’re still married?????”

This stops me cold. I don’t know how many times I’ve told her this. I don’t know how many times I’ve told her we’re going through the divorce, that the papers are all signed and filed and that we’re just waiting for the HK courts to finish processing them. I have no idea how she could not know this.

Back home, in the bedroom. I think I start by saying that I’m really worried that she says she didn’t know I was still legally married. That either she really needs to work on her English or really needs to work on my Thai.

After awhile, she says that it would be easier for both of us if she moved out, I found someone else, and she went back to “work” as a hooker. I went through the 27 reasons why that would be a bad idea, both in terms of our relationship and in terms of her own life. I tell her how much happier I am since she’s moved in with me, how it has made my life better. I tell her I thought she was happier too and she says she is.

Finally she tells me she loves me, tells me she’s willing to wait and see if my plan works out.

I go to sleep. She goes into the living room to watch more DVDs. I wake up two hours later. She’s taken a bottle of wine from the fridge, drank half of it. Tells me she loves me. Asks me if she can cut her hair short. Asks if I will have a Christmas tree, remembers I’m not Christian, asks me if I believe in any god and I tell her no. She goes back to watching TV, falls asleep on the couch, I wake her up and bring her to the bedroom and tuck her in.

As I read back on what I wrote, I worry that I’ve omitted important stuff that prevents the reader from getting the true picture of the evening. I worry that I haven’t caught the tone right. And I worry that someone reading this might think that she’s incredibly smart and manipulative, playing me like a violin to get the results she wants, and that I’m a lovestruck fool, going along with anything she says.

I suppose there is a 10% chance that’s possible, that she is scamming me in some way. I choose not to believe that. As I said near the start, I think she’s operating from a place of insecurity, and that insecurity influences a lot of her words and actions.

Well, this is all jumbled and I don’t know if I see the point in actually posting this but what the hell….